We tend to think of anxiety as something that we need to remove, like it’s a cyst or a disease to treat. Anxiety is a protection system, and to simply think about your work as symptom abatement with anxiety is more like asking your mechanic to just turn off the code your car keeps throwing on the dashboard because it is a distraction in your driving, rather than figuring out why the code is there and what needs to be done. Anxiety doesn’t mean you are broken or weak or failing. Most people with anxiety are not fragile either - they are perceptive and responsible. And people that struggle with a lot of anxiety likely learned at an early age that staying alert really mattered.
Your nervous system’s job is to keep you alive. And when we are anxious, your brain tends to narrow in on some really basic functions that will keep you alive. It’s not going to be able to focus much on the quadratic equation or the specifics of the Gettysburg Address. It’s mostly thinking about what needs to be online in your body to keep you going, and if you are anxious enough, what needs to be online to help you fight the threat or flee from it. When our anxiety is real high, it doesn’t know the difference between a math test and someone trying to hurt you. So the problem isn’t that this system exists - it is that it isn’t always able to differentiate real threat from lesser threats (like failing an exam or conflict with your boss). Anxiety is more primarily asking if this feels familiar enough to be a threat.
When we simply attempt to push away anxiety, it tends to get louder and to get worse. You can’t just “think positive” to get out of anxiety. Trying to control your anxiety actually will typically tell your body that something really is wrong. So then your body’s fear is confirmed and the symptoms get worse. This is why so many folks get stuck in a cycle of reassurance, avoidance, and self-criticism. This might feel familiar in your self-talk - “Stop freaking out.” “Just chill.” A drink, a hit on the pen, more high carb or high sugar food. Crashing out as you try to lie down for sleep unless you have something to help you sleep because your body has finally stopped and it’s all caught up with you. You are fighting a system that thinks it is saving you.
Curiosity changes the conversation. Instead of, “Shut up!”, you begin to ask, “what are you trying to protect me from?” Curiosity slows down your nervous system. Sometimes, this requires someone else to help you start the conversation with yourself. Our wiring is relational, so having a calm other there with you can be really regulating for your safety and their curious and trusting words can be a good start to shifting all of it. When my oldest was an infant, my mother-in-law came to stay with us for…long periods of time. As a new dad, and a newer therapist, I really felt this pressure to do this right. I found that when my oldest was crying, and I was holding her, I had a really hard time soothing her while my mother-in-law was in the room. All of that pressure to get this right was compounded by the watchful eyes, and I realized that I needed to leave the room with my daughter to help calm myself as I worked to calm her. Anxiety needs to be heard, but it doesn’t necessarily need to be obeyed. In other words, your anxiety needs to be understood - “I’m anxious because this person, for reasons I might not even understand yet, reminds me of someone else that created real harm for me in the past.” “I am feeling really anxious about this exam and can’t think straight because I’m terrified that I am not as intelligent as I think others need me to be.” “I am anxious because this kind of intimacy has put me in vulnerable situations that I am terrified to experience again.” These come with very different stories attached, but your body can actually experience these in very similar ways, and our work is actually listening to what our body is feeling, taking our time to understand and provide it the care it needs, and as your body trusts that you are responsive to its signals, your body can slowly begin to regulate.
Therapy isn’t about eliminating anxiety. It’s about helping your nervous system feel less like it has to scream. In therapy, anxiety is allowed to speak without being judged or rushed. Your therapist can help you slow down and notice patterns, and explore what your system learned and what it still needs from you and from others, too. This is how sturdiness grows - not by erasing anxiety, but by building trust with your body.
